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Hypersynaesthesia

the colours in your head

3.21.2005

Ahem

while snooping through eurotrash's archives, I came across this gem, that seems strangely appropriate at the moment....

[June 16 2004]
Hey boys, want to know the secret of eternal life? Or something almost as valuable? Listen in. Here's the Eurotrash guide to chucking a woman painlessly, irrevoccably and without her ever 'bugging' you again. The trick is to ensure that the words you speak when you ditch her reveal your true personality at last. By removing her blinkers, so to speak, you will guarantee a pain-free separation, mainly because she's finally so embarrassed she ever slept with you, let alone went out with you for God knows how many years, that she will never ever honestly want to lay eyes on you again. It's called "Eurotrash's Infallible Instant Pain-free Closure Method". I have trademarked it, so watch out.
Tell her it's not her it's you. Make sure you sound whiny and self-pitying when you say it. Ensure the entire dumping conversation is all about you, you, you. A couple of days later, write a letter repeating the conversation and tell her all about YOUR pain. She will be so bored reading it that all feelings she ever had towards you will vanish happily in an instant.
Tell her you love her like a sister. Tell her you love her so much you've moved beyond being able to sleep with her. She'll know you want to fuck someone else and she'll be so disgusted at you patronising her that she'll move straight to the angry phase (which comes just before the indifferent phase) without passing Go or enduring the abandoned, sad, needy, and crying phases that usually come first.
Tell her you're just a stupid fuckwit who knows he's throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him, but he's so fucked up right now he just can't handle her perfection. Emphasise over and over again how stupid a fuckwit you really are. Cry a bit. She'll head straight out for drinks with the girls and end up laughing over what a twat you really are. Oh, and just for the record, she also knows you really just want to fuck someone else, by the way.
Dump her by email. That's an instant, irrevoccable turn-off. Once she's finished reading your cowardly self-justifications, she'll vomit you out of her system once and for all. After having forwarded your trite outpourings to absolutely everybody she knows for a good laugh, of course.
Tell her she's too good for you. After she's stopped laughing she'll undoubtedly agree with you. This little baby will ensure no post-break-up shags, as she'll be too busy recoiling at the thought she ever let your penis anywhere near any of her precious bits. She'll have long baths for a few weeks.
Tell her you're leaving her for another woman. Then come back after a week or so and admit you were wrong. If possible, cry when you beg to be taken back. The weeping, self-pitying "I-was-wrong-so-wrong" tone you adopt is one of the world's most effective passion killers. Accompanied by tears, it is romantically lethal.
Tell her that although she's beautiful, funny, clever, sexy, adorable, loving, kind etc etc, she's just not "THE ONE". Ah yes, that old chestnut "THE ONE". That'll be "THE ONE" that exists only when you're going out with someone and you get a bit bored and you want to fuck someone else. That old "THE ONE". We know all about that. And when you come back later, having failed to fuck the latest object of your affections because she just laughed at you and suddenly you realise we're the best you're going to get you miserable piece of shit, we'll just laugh and kick our Manolo-clad heels up at you. You missed us the first time round, moron - you don't get another chance. There is no "THE ONE", there never has been and there never will be. There's only who you're fucking at the moment, sweetheart and if you don't realise what you've let go, then you're probably not clever enough to recognise "THE ONE", even if she did actually exist and stood in front of you and whacked you around the head with a shovel, while screaming, "I'm your fucking '"THE ONE"', dickhead!"NB - I'd like to thank every woman I've ever known for their input into this piece.
Posted by eurotrash at 4:50 pm

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