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Hypersynaesthesia

the colours in your head

3.15.2005

My grandad is cute.

He sent me this today:

ASK THE DOCTOR: Dr. Alan "Ducky" Mallard --- "I am not a quack!"
Q: I have heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. True?
A:Your heart is only good for so many beats. Don't waste them on exercise.Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make youlive longer. Would driving your car real fast make it last longer? If youwant to live longer, take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. What arethese? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanismof delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef isalso a good source of field grass (leafy green vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: This goes back to fruits and vegetables.As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animals, minerals and vegetables. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing. I advise you to have a hamburger and a beer andenjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have a body and if youhave body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, then your ratio is two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages in participating in a regular exercise program?
A: I cannot think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No pain; good!

Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: You are not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated in it. Just how could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What is the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans: another vegetable!!! It is the best feel-good food there is.

I hope that this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. One more thing: When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt!

NOTICE: FOLLOWING THE ADVICE OF DR. MALLARD CAN BE CATASTROPHIC. DON'T DO IT!

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