Blame the Sky

I'm library-blogging again. I'm supposed to be researching humour in Tolstoy, with specific relevance to courtship, particularly since I'm supposed to discuss this idea eloquently tomorrow at my meeting with my professor, but somehow the draw of the loaner computer ("to do online research") proved too strong. Ah well.

A few days ago I interviewed for Response, a phone counseling line for girls that deals with relationship issues, particularly rape. I've been interested in this subject ever since a good friend of mine was raped a couple years ago, and I had to talk her through the entire process by phone. She's from a very conservative background, so there was nobody else to whom she was willing to turn. I was doing my backpacking in Wyoming at the time, so I wasn't able to talk all that much, but I was able to talk her through it, convince her to get a rape kit done, and to go talk to an actual counselor. She decided not to press charges, as it was a very complicated situation.

Terrifying as that situation was, it was also interesting for me to be able to see the whole process of treatment and dealing with rape. I've been interested in counselling for a while, and function as a general sounding-board for a lot of my friends, so I've long been anxious to do this in some sort of official capacity, since listening is one of the skills I actually have.

Unfortunately, however, I checked my email last night to find that I had not gotten the position. I find this grimly ironic: the girl who had to leave school for a year after spending too much time shoring up her friend's emotional issues and literally being on suicide watch, who everyone she knows turns to at times of emotional distress, can't get a position at a rape and relationships hotline. The interview was tough, particularly the second scenario, which started out with a girl telling me about her nightmares and ended up with her admitting that her parents beat her and starved her. I think I did well on all the other parts, but the second scenario terrified me, simply because of not knowing what protocol I was supposed to follow on handling that sort of situation, tacked on to nerves due to having two people watching me. I know I messed it up somehow, but I'm just really frustrated because helping people and listening to them is one of my best skills, and here I can't do anything. In the evil quitter part of my mentality, it just kind of justifies why it is I don't really do extracurrics-- if I can't do the one thing that I actually really cared about doing, why bother? Foolish logic, I know, but a logic I follow far too often.

I've emailed them asking for feedback on the interview, and now... I don't know. Again, I'm really frustrated, just not knowing why, even though it will gnaw at me when I actually do know why. Maybe I will do one of the other groups they suggested, but the petulant part of me just wants to curl up and sulk and dwell. I'm going to try not to do that right now-- I have papers to write and Russian to learn. But still-- ARGH.